Personally I see burn out as a blessing in disguise and even though I found it to be harder and more painful than actually giving birth, it is in a sense comparable to it, as you shift into a new phase of life, letting go of who you were before and birthing your true self.

I think ‘burn away’ is a much more suitable name for this phenomenon. As I see it, it’s a process of letting go of layers of behavior that we needed to develop to adjust and adapt to the ones that we (that, in fact, our lives) depended on. We wake up one day, and something inside us knows that it is time to let go. Whether we like it or not, it is time to burn away all that wasn’t really ours to begin with, and make space for our true self to emerge.

As humans, our survival has always depended on connection. Feeling disconnected or like we don't belong can evoke a primal fear of threat. This instinct dates back to our evolutionary roots when early humans lived in herds, ensuring protection, shared resources, and collective strength. Exclusion from the group or a sense of not fitting in wasn't just emotionally painful; it posed a genuine threat to survival.

In childhood, we instinctively adapt to our parents' needs and expectation out of our fundamental need for attachment and security. We learn to observe and anticipate their reactions, adapting our behavior to seek their approval and avoid rejection.

This ingrained tendency to prioritize others' expectations, often termed ‘good girl’ behavior, is a brilliant survival strategy that is crucial for our early years. However, as we grow older, it can get in the way of our personal development and interfere with our sense of self.

Spillover into adulthood

In friendships and romantic relationships, we may constantly strive to please others, avoid conflict, and suppress our true feelings, sacrificing our own needs. This can leave us feeling overwhelmed and unseen, struggling to express ourselves authentically.

At work, the pressure to meet expectations can lead to overcommitment, chronic stress, and difficulty in setting boundaries or saying 'no'. Seeking approval from colleagues or supervisors may fuel perfectionism, impacting job satisfaction.

In parenting, the need for approval can manifest in overextending ourselves for our children, neglecting self-care and fostering anxiety. Striving for perfection and fear of judgment can lead to emotional exhaustion and further stress.

Evolution into the 'Strong Independent Woman'

For some of us, the pursuit of approval and fear of disconnection can manifest as the 'strong independent woman'. This persona is characterized by overachievement, perfectionism, neglecting self-care, excessive self-reliance, and difficulties in seeking or accepting help. Her mantra is 'I got this,' often tackling challenges alone.

Various life dynamics and influences contribute to the development of the ‘strong independent woman’. For instance, growing up in a family where independence is highly valued or where support is limited can push individuals to develop self-reliance from a young age.

At the core, both 'good girl' behavior and the 'strong independent woman' persona stem from a deep-seated need for validation and fear of rejection and prioritizing external expectations over personal needs.

How this can lead to burn out

Over time, the relentless pursuit of approval and avoidance of conflict can undermine self-esteem and emotional resilience. The fear of disappointing others or being perceived as inadequate may perpetuate feelings of anxiety, guilt, or self-doubt. The fear of failure or letting others down can drive us to push ourselves beyond our limits and may cause us to struggle with authentic self-expression and making independent choices that align with our values and aspirations. We might come to the realization that we don’t even really know ourselves, as we’ve always been so focused of who others need us to be and on living up to that image.

The constant pressure for approval makes us overcommit and take on too many responsibilities, both at work and in our personal lives, leading to chronic stress and exhaustion. Social media worsens this by making us compare ourselves to others, which makes us feel inadequate and more stressed. Prioritizing others' needs over our own well-being results in neglecting self-care, causing physical and emotional exhaustion—key elements of burnout. Additionally, the fear of being disconnected or rejected pushes us to strive for perfection and overachievement, leaving little time for rest. These factors together increase the risk of burn out in today's society.

In my experience, the hardest part of burn out is letting go of behaviors and strategies that no longer serve you, while still being part of the system that shaped and triggered these habits. It feels like being a stranger in the life you built around your ‘good girl’ behavior or ‘strong independent woman’ persona, and finding yourself incapable of living up to your own and your environment's standards.

It’s the excruciating pain of feeling inadequate, left out, and like you're disappointing everyone, including yourself. An existential fear of rejection, disconnection, and threat creeps upon you, making you lose grip on who you are and what you can and can't do. You are forcibly facing all the feelings you’ve been avoiding or subconsciously repressing for years. You realize that your ‘old’ behavior isn’t sustainable anymore and you actually want to change it, but the ‘good girl’ inside is fighting for her dear life to push you into doing all the things that made you so loved and appreciated before.

It's one of the most conflicting states to be in, with your body and mind in total chaos. Angry voices, trembling limbs, restlessness, and pure exhaustion—your entire system is trying to pump you up and get you back on the ‘high’ of productivity and people-pleasing. The temptation to ride that high is so sweet, but the inevitable crash afterward is devastating.

It’s when the ‘old’ you is slowly dissolving and the ‘new’ you isn’t there yet. Your body and mind have surrendered to the process even though your mind is still confused and resistant. The exhaustion kicks in, and it’s easy to confuse the absence of stress and chaos with feeling numbness, nothingness, and it seems like nothing in the world even matters or could possibly make you feel happy again.

If you're experiencing signs of burn out, a crucial first step towards recovery is to be compassionate with yourself. Recognize that your need for connection and approval is a natural part of being human. Understanding these deep-seated needs is essential for healing and finding a healthier balance in your life.

Changing habits, patterns, and behaviors can be challenging because they are rooted in instinctual drives to keep you safe. It can be helpful to identify the 'good girl' inside of you and notice how she shows up in your life, trying to protect you.

Healing begins when you start building a relationship with this part of yourself. Gradually earn her trust, making her feel safe as you prioritize self-care, set boundaries, and seek support from those who care about you.

Hold this part of you with love, assuring her that she is safe even when she feels she’s falling short of everyone’s expectations. The goal is to create a safe haven where she learns that she is good enough exactly as she is, without needing to be or do anything to deserve love and connection.

This process takes time, and you don’t have to do it alone.